When anger found me

Fabric (2018)

When I talk to people about anger I often hear that it is something that should be avoided at all cost. I learned the opposite.

I am a very sensitive person, meaning I sense people their emotions, often very strongly. And most of the time I sense what they themselves do not. But there came a point in my life when it all became too much. It was when I realised that all those emotions that I had felt in my life, all the pain and struggle, most of what I was dragging through my life was never mine. I had been carrying the weight of the world without ever being it’s true owner.

When this reality dawned on me, anger found me. But instead of creating chaos it enabled me. It was like a knight that arrived in the middle of the night. It helped me do what I was never capable of doing before. I became the person that said NO. I stopped being the nice one, the one that kept the peace, the one that was there to absorb all the pain and frustration of others.

Anger became my ally. It wasn’t nice or rational, but it was standing up for me. It was actually protecting me by saying no. My anger was a reaction to my mis-alignment, and now that the truth had been revealed to me, I could no longer submit myself to anything other than myself. It no longer worked.

I felt so much resistance to be around people that I chose to be alone most of the time. And by spending time alone, I slowly started to realise something. I needed to find out who I was, because so much of what I thought was me, were constructs, identities, that were never true. But now that they were dissolving, they revealed uncharted terrain. I was lost and needed to find myself.